Wednesday, February 13, 2013

More nervous than ever!

Friday we have another appointment with my doctor where we will do the ultrasound and meet with him to discuss everything -- I am not sure why I am so nervous! I am more nervous about this appointment than I have been for any of my past appointments. 

Before, we knew there were abnormalities with Evie's spine and we were going to fill our brains with as much information as possible to simply begin to sort out what her story would entail.  Tomorrow is different to me, I guess....

Friday we have something to compare all of this to. We have a "starting" point from our previous ultrasound and then it will be compared to the ultrasound we get on Friday.  While we have gotten great news to this point, for some reason I am having a hard time allowing myself to believe we will always get good news at every appointment so for some reason I have prepared myself for bad news this time around (as if the SB news wasn't bad enough? I don't know). 

I am terrified.  What if the opening suddenly grew? What if her ventricles inflated and her head is now considered abnormally large? What if her feet are clubbed now?

Before we had no expectations because we were just trying to figure all of this out.  Now we have the expectation that our God is healing her, but what if all the healing is done and this is it?

I am not sure why I am finding this so difficult the past few days. I just can't get it out of my mind.  You would think I would have emmense faith and know that everything is going to be just fine and that our sweet girl is being healed slowly, but I just can't muster that up inside of me. I guess at some point this positive person that is always finding the light and standing strong knowing that God is taking care of her has a weak moment? I can't always be the strong one.  I am always having to tell the family and husband that it will all be ok, but when will someone tell me it will all be ok? Will it? Will it all really be ok?

I guess I need to spend a little extra time on my knees the next few nights to find peace for myself before I eventually break. 

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